


Fuzzy Thinking

by Anonymous



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angststuck, Community: homesmut, Depression, Gamzee is an angry moirail, Gamzee's POV, Gen, Humanstuck, I Don't Even Know, I said angry moirail right?, Karkat is depressed, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, References to Suicide, Swearing, but as humans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-09-17
Updated: 2012-09-18
Packaged: 2017-11-14 11:48:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/514916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: I'm really in the mood for some good old sad/depressed karkat</p>
<p>Can I get some Humanstuck gamzee talking karkat out of suicide? All other details are up to you. :)</p>
<p>--<br/>In which Gamzee realises he ain't seen his best bro for a while, he ain't the only one worried, and maybe it's not always brighter before the storm.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

You're worried.

At least, you think you're worried; your head's a bit fuzzy like it's been invaded by clouds, those fluffy little ones in summer that don't mean rain and they just meander through the sky with no worries at all...

Which reminds you, again, you're probably worried. Your best bro's friend just all up and asked you if you'd seen your best bro recently, and it was a bit of a surprise to realise actually, no. Which is not exactly usual, cause usual has Karkat all up in your face on a regular basis. "Gamzee, have you ever heard of a fucking shower?" "How the hell do you keep your job, dickwad, when your clothes smell like you haven't washed them since the mighty buffalo roamed the plains, taking out the occasional Indian kid too slow to get out of the way, before succumbing to a nasty case of people with guns?" "Jesus, are you high AGAIN? Don't come running to me when your brain leaks out your ears, desperately trying to escape the fumes in there like innocent victims fleeing a burning building."

You know he don't mean any of it harshly though, it's just his way of making sure you stay alive. It's just how he is, worried about everyone he lets get close, trying to keep them at arm's length with harsh words when he's secretly as soft as an ice-cream on a hot day.

Speaking of ice-cream, you are kinda peckish, maybe a snack...

That ain't right, you tell your stomach. Your best friend ain't been around recently, this is no time to be all distracting. Focus, you tell your brain. We gotta be all sensible and think about this a bit. Solbro's still here, gotta be giving him an answer.

"I dOn'T tHiNk So", you say. "i ThInK iT's BeEn A WhIle."

It's pretty clear Sollux is worried, he's not even rolling his eyes like he usually does when you answer in a haze of possibilities. He answers, tersely, with "Well, iif you see hiim let hiim know II'm looking for him," and it must be pretty bad, he's lisping pretty heavily on that S and his I's are screaming at being stretched so thin. You nod, vaguely.

The rest of the day is pretty similiar, but oddly repetitive. First it's Terezi, in the science class you share, and she ain't even cackling when she asks, which is a miracle and a wonder and you'd appreciate it a whole lot more if it weren't because Karkat has apparently vanished. Then, at lunch, it's that cat-chick, looking all kinds of nervous - Nepeta, you think the name is, Karkat's always on about her being some kind of autistic and weird, but you can tell he doesn't mind her that much cause most of his ranting is about how the hell she expects to survive high school acting like that. Tavbro's wondering, too, but that's just Tavros for you, guy's nearly too nice to be real. Mid afternoon, even Kanaya overcomes her habitual distaste for your appearance to ask if you've seen Karkat.

All those questions get you to thinking - you even forego your afternoon smoke, trying to get a handle on your memories, and no matter how hard you think, you're pretty sure you ain't seen Karkat for a whole bunch of days. Maybe even a week, since you saw his name on a screen and the grey shouty text he's so fond of, or since he was shouting at you in person. He's a loud guy, and you can't understand why you haven't missed him before now. Man, days just fly outta your grasp sometimes.

Thankfully, you don't have to work this afternoon, which is another thing you have to thank Karkat for. He always made sure you went, until it was routine enough you don't even really have to think about it any more. But it gives you this afternoon to go find your bro.

You think you can remember where he lives, anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

It takes you a while to find the street you're looking for; you make a couple of unexpected detours, when your feet don't quite get where you're trying to go and take you somewhere else, but eventually you end up on the right street. The main indicator you're in the right place is the house on the corner, and mostly that's because the Derp Twins are in the front yard, tidying up. They ain't really called the Derp Twins, that's just what Karbro likes to call em (they ain't really twins neither), but their real names have fluttered outta your mind so the nickname will have to do for a while. They're cousins, Karkat says, and they go to a different school, and you think you picked up once that your best friend might have had something for one or the other of them, but that's all you can pull out of your brain. They know your name, though, and they're all busy wearing it out the moment they recognise you.

"Hey, you're Gamzee, right?" says the male. "Did you talk to Karkat last night? He was meant to come and watch a movie, but he didn't turn up! He didn't answer his phone, either. Was he at school today? It's not like him to not come over when it's movie night! He missed an awesome movie, too!"

"NaH," you say, and you try to ignore the odd fluttery feeling somewhere in your guts. It really isn't like Karkat not to turn up to a movie, if only to laugh at it and list all the ways it is complete and utter crap. "I ThInK He mIgHt hAvE BeEn iLl, i AiN't sEeN ThE MoThErFCkEr tOdAy."

"Oh. Maybe we should go see if he's okay? Jade?"

The girl's been quiet up to now, looking at you thoughtfully. "I think maybe we should let Gamzee go, John!" she says, and you can't really read her expression at all. "He came all the way out here already. Plus, if we don't finish the mowing, your dad will be disappointed!"

John's looking all kinds of flustered, like disappointing his dad is a thing that should never happen, and you ain't sure why. You disappoint your dad on a regular basis, and the world's not ended yet. Different strokes for different folks, you guess.

"I CaN CoMe bY AnD TeLl yOu hOw hE Is aFtEr," you offer, and John looks less conflicted.

"That would be awesome," he says, and he smiles at you all bright and sunny. "I gotta get back to this, so I'll see you later!" With that, he's off back to the mower. Jade's still busy staring at you, though, and you stare back. She ain't quite finished, you reckon, and although the feeling in your guts is making you edgy, you want to hear what she's going to tell you.

She looks over her shoulder, to make sure John's gone, and she leans in real close to you. "Make sure he knows he isn't alone,", she says, all quiet like, "and don't leave him alone today, no matter what he says."

The bottom drops out of your stomach and your mind, and the sensation you got is less fluttery and more like a maelstrom, busy churning away with nerves and rage and guilt. The fuzz in your mind is stretched pretty thin anyhow, and it can't hope to hold out against the storm raging in your mind.

You don't get how your best friend can be so fucking STUPID, sometimes. You don't get it AT ALL. You also don't get how the hell you haven't motherfucking NOTICED; Karkat's always been good at covering up with bluster and bullshit, but you've always been able to tell when he ain't feeling too great before. Hell, you thought he'd been doing better, recently.

Your mind's in turmoil, but your feet have finally got their act together, and before you even realise it they've carried you down the street towards Karkat's house and you're ringing the doorbell and you refuse to remove your finger from the bell until the door motherfucking opens.

When it does, you almost don't expect it.


	3. Chapter 3

"My front door buzzer is not a secret method of summoning some kind of bullshit fairy of happiness and weed. Try Tavros's door," he says, and it almost sounds about right. Except it ain't loud enough to be Karkat, even if it looks like him. You double check, make sure it's not his real-bro home from college, but it's Karkat's hair, although even more of a rat's nest than normal. Also, the way he ain't talking your ear off is a pretty good indicator it ain't Kankri. Now there's a dude you wish would SHUT UP sometimes.

You take a good look at Karkat, comparing him to the mental picture you got up in your mind. He's usually nearly as tall as you are (or at least, as you are when you're slouching and comfortable), but right now you're all stood up straight and he's hunched over and the reversal of posture makes him look smaller than he should be. Hair, you already mentioned. Eyes, well, the bags under them ain't anything new. Skin, you've never been able to place Karkat as any particular race; his dad's white, his mother's out the picture figuratively and literally, no pictures of her you ever saw anyway, but you think he looks paler than usual. Baggy hoodie, oversized jeans, that much is normal anyhow, even though Kanaya got him out of black and now he's neck-to-toe in the shade again.

In short, he looks all kinds of tired and worn to hell, and something in your chest twists. You've seen him like this before, beaten up by the world, but it don't usually get this bad. Not since the first time you met him, anyway. Sounded like this back then, too, like breathing enough to be loud was more effort than he was willing to put in, now you really try and think about it.

"HeY, KaRkAt," you manage, and it takes a whole lotta clenching your fist and summoning all the willpower you can to not shout at him. "PeOpLe bEeN AlL Up aNd aSkInG mE WhErE ThE FuCk yOu gOt tO ReCeNtLy."

He scowls, or at least he's trying to be all angry-faced. It don't work nearly as well he thinks it does. "Yeah, well, I'm fine, you've seen me, now can you please fuck off so I can get back to what I was doing before some dickmunch decided what I really needed was Bach's Concerto for Doorbell in B Minor?"

"AwW, WhY YoU GoTtA Be lIkE ThAt? cAn'T A MoThErFuCkEr vIsIt hIs bEsT FrIeNd?" you say, because now you've seen him, Jade's words are making a whole lotta sense and like hell you're leaving him to close his door. You smile your usual slow heavy smile, and if it ain't quite as effort as Karkat's frown, it's probably pretty damn close. "i uP AnD WaLkEd aLl tHiS WaY, DoN't i aT LeAsT GeT A DrInK Or sOmE ShIt?"

You don't give him time to respond, you just up and push past him and he's so surprised he lets you.

Inside, the house is empty of life except you and Karkat and the dumbass fly you find beating itself stupid against the kitchen window when you shuffle off that way. Mr Vantas must be at one of his jobs, which is all for the better cause you don't really see eye to eye. Dude's okay for a parental unit, brought Karkat and Kankri up all on his lonesome, but he's nearly as prickly as Karkat and twice as protective and you fall pretty damn square into "bad influence". Karkat thrusts a glass of water at you, then stands there staring at you like watching you will make you drink faster and get out. In response, you sip, slowly, and try to think of some kinda way to get the motherfucker to chill down and relax. It clashes badly with your urge to yell at your bro, call him names for not coming to you sooner, he knows you always got an ear for him but he thinks he can cope on his own till he can't. Shit like that won't help the situation, though. Just make him feel useless, and he's already got enough of that going on in his own head, without you adding to it. Dude don't like to feel like a burden; he'll worry himself sick about any number of dumbass idiots who should be able to look after themselves, but he thinks nobody oughtta worry about him.

"KaRkAt," you say, all calm and slow, like this is just another conversation and you're halfway out of your mind with something external, rather than the sick fretting your mind is currently tripping on, "yOu'D AlL Up aNd tElL YoUr mOtHeRfUcKiNg fRiEnDs iF SoMeThInG WAS UP, wouldn't you?" The stress is making your voice tenser than it should be, if you're all up in a happy place like you're busy pretending.

"I am perfectly fucking fine," he says, still wearing that fake as fuck facial expression. He's even meeting your eyes, unblinking, which is actually a pretty good indicator he's lying through his teeth. Dude can't usually keep eye contact for more than a couple of seconds, cause usually he's got too much energy to stand still this long and he's off looking everywhere but at you. "Raps have been written about how fine my ass is, like I am some kind of ho in the ghetto and some douchebag just needs to let it all out in the form of rhyming bullshit."

And you just can't hold it any more, cause you told him last time to come to you before he got like this, all tired excuses and bad lies held together with the barest remnants of dignity and pride, that he wouldn't be a motherfucking burden, never a motherfucking burden to you, and he promised he would. "STOP MOTHERFUCKING LYING! I can all up and tell you're lying, Karkat. I AIN'T FUCKING STUPID." He shrinks a little further into himself, and for a moment you feel bad, but then you think about all the times he's gotten right up into your face and told you the truth when you needed to hear it. Maybe it's time to pay some of that back, even if it ain't the most diplomatic way of putting it. "You don't get to stand there looking like shit and tell me you're motherfucking fine, Karkat. YOU DON'T GET TO TELL ME BULLSHIT LIKE THAT WHEN I CAN SEE IT ISN'T TRUE." Your heart squeezes, painfully, as Karkat stares at you wide-eyed, but you're sick and tired of him trying to be strong all the fucking time. "We're meant to be all bros and shit, but it ain't never me being your bro, always you being mine. THAT ISN'T HOW IT WORKS, MOTHERFUCKER. You got my back, I'm meant to be getting yours. HOW DO I MOTHERFUCKING DO THAT WHEN YOU WON'T EVEN LET ME?"

 

You realise you've stepped forwards, fists clenched, and you ain't trying to hurt your best friend, so you take a second's breather to calm the fuck down. It's harder than you thought it would be. Karkat swallows, noisily, and you realise you dropped the water glass. "Aw, hElL," you say, both because you probably just irrevocably fucked it all up and also because there's now glass over the floor. "I'lL PiCk tHiS Up aNd gO."

"No!" blurts Karkat, and his hands clench. "No, just." He looks at you, for a moment, and then his eyes drop down to the floor. "Don't use your hands, asswipe, you'll only get them all cut up like the complete and utter waste of brain you are." He almost sounds normal, again, as he finds you some paper towels to mop up the water and a brush for the glass.

A few minutes later, the glass is in the bin and you're turning to go when Karkat says "Hey, dickweed." He takes a deep breath, then another, and says "so who was looking for me?"

You blink, for a moment, and your brain is still stuck in "oh shit I screwed up" mode which ain't exactly helpful, so you end up gawping back for a few seconds before you can name anyone. "TaVrOs," you say, and he opens his mouth. "ThAt KaNaYa GiRl," you continue before he can say anything, "NePeTa? SoLlUx. TeReZi. AnD i ThInK tHeIr NaMeS wErE jOhN aNd JaDe?"

He's silent, a moment longer, then he asks one of the stupidest questions you ever heard him ask. Dude might not be a genius, but he's usually smarter than this. "How did they sound when they asked?"

"HoW dO yOu ThInK tHeY sOuNdEd?" you ask back. "WoRrIeD aS aLl KiNdS Of FuCk. YoU uP aNd VaNiShEd, ThEy AiN't JuSt AsKiNg LiKe It WeReN't NoThInG."

Karkat flushes, and looks away. In that moment, you get how far he's fallen, when he don't even think people might realise he ain't around, let alone worry, and you just want to reach over and give him a hug. Or a pat on the face, but you ain't quite sure where that impulse comes from. You resist. Karkat's talking, no need to make him get all crabby and stop by taking what's left of his dignity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note author-anon does not condone calling depressed people idiots, or yelling at them. Neither is likely to be helpful, unless you're in "Ohshit this was meant to be a short drabbly thing and it is a monster, quick condense what should be about 5 more plot-heavy chapters down into something manageable" territory. Ooops.


End file.
